While watching the Cubs' lackluster performance Sunday against the Kansas City Royals, I began wondering how the hell I ever got here.
What happened? What the hell possessed me to go down this route?
Instead of asking 'why', I started thinking it might be a good time to exhaust some anger. You see, I've been caring around a lot of Cubs angst over the years, and I think it's about time I get it out in one fell swoop. A hit list if you will.
To all of the Cubs below that contributed to this miserable fan's existence...in chronological order.
1. Jay Baller: Thanks for introducing me to Cubsdom. I vividly remember my first communion on May 10th, 1987. It was a Sunday. My whole family was together my Uncle Corky's house. We were in the basement. Jay Baller (or as we called him, 'Jay Ballfour'...yes, I know, we were clever) proceeded to do something I still haven't seen to this day. Baller balked twice in one inning...back to back...with the bases loaded (re-read sentence and let it
Damn...that's some sexy chest hair!
sink in). In one inning, Gene Michael (genius of epic proportions) let Baller give up 5 hits, 2 walks, 2 balks and 5 earned runs. The Cubs lost to San Diego 14-2. However, this story has a happy ending...Baller's 1988 Topps card featured a beautiful patch of chest hair that rivals Tom Selleck. I burnt all of his cards immediately upon notice. May he rot for eternity.
2. Dave Martinez: Oh, Davey boy! You had all of the tools didn't you? This was Felix Pie before Felix Pie...Corey Patterson before Corey Patterson. This was the typical 'ohmygodwehavethisfivetoolplayerinIowa' Cubs player that everybody convinced themselves would change the team. One problem: Davey never used his speed to bunt enough. He thought he was a power hitter, tried cranking the ball at any chance, and it usually ended in a lazy pop fly (and for some reason this seemed to always happen with runners on 1st and 3rd and nobody out). Amazing considering you would only hit 90 home runs in 16 seasons (Over 5 per year, wow!)
What made it worse is that Martinez was LOVED by women. It was always tough to convince the girls at school that the handsome Martinez was hot garbage, and/or that they should be spending their time looking at a svelte 9 year old Dooley rather than Dave Martinez...(didn't work). But, hey, he was a great 'defensive center fielder', as Harry would say. Anytime I hear, 'great defensive outfielder', I automatically think of the amazing five tooled Martinez. May his life go without happiness.
3. Frank DiPino: You just looked like a jerk. I have no statistical evidence to back up my hate for you...But you tried to fight Mark Grace in 1989 and wound up getting hurt. Serves you right...jerk.
4. Jaime Moyer: Thanks for being terrible with the Cubs and then pitching for the next 96 years as a top-3 rotation pitcher. Thanks. A lot. Awesome. Great guy. Thanks.
5. Ed Lynch/Drew Hall: The first in a long line of Cubs pitchers I grew up watching that had fastballs that moved in straight lines...no movement. None. Wait, no, there was. It was usually Darryl Strawberry hitting the ball 9,743 feet after one of those cookies. Both of you sucked. Hope you're happy wherever you are.
6. Mitch Webster: Webster was supposed to be a consistent player with the Cubs, but was arguably their worst player in 1989. I think he was picked off on six different occasions that year. Horrible baserunner. Thank you, sir.
7. Angel Salazar: Had beautifully coiffed hair. It used to come over his ears and lift over his ear flap. It was gorgeous. Too bad he spent 3/4 of his Cubs career hitting slow choppers to short stop. Guy never hit the ball the opposite way his whole life.
8. Calvin Schiraldi/Al Nipper: These were the stalwarts gained in the Lee Smith trade; one of the Cubs' greatest moves. Schiraldi and Nipper were like the last two guys picked on a kickball playground. Zimmer tried to stay away from them, but the pen was only so big.
9. Goose Gossage: What better than ruining Cubs fans hearts in '84...how about being one of the worst closers in Cubs history in 1988? Fail.
10. Mike Harkey: Harkey was fantastic in 1990 going 12-6. Here was the guy who was about to make the leap...until he decided to do a cartwheel during batting practice and injured himself...he was never the same again. That's right, a cartwheel.
11. Dave Smith: Dave Smith was the Houston Astros closer from 1985-1990. He recorded 159 saves in that six season span. The Cubs signed him as their closer for 1991 after Mitch Williams imploded in 1990. One problem...Dave Smith was a flyball pitcher who could get away with big misses at the Astrodome because the place was like a cavern...the ball didn't fly out at all in Houston. Then, he came to Wrigley. Guess what? He stunk. Surprise!
12. Danny Jackson. Jackson had won 23 games in 1988 with the Reds. The Cubs signed
Doesn't he seem like a great guy to have over for dinner? Too bad his job requires a fastball that moves.
the crafty lefthander to a big contract for the '91 season. Jackson's injuries in '91 permitted him to start only 14 games. He went 1-5 with an ERA of 6.75. He. Was. Horrible. I remember Steve Stone saying during games "You see where Wilkins sets up? Problem is Jackson misses his spot. Wilkins wants it inside, Jackson gets it on the outer half, and Clark puts it into the bleachers." Wash, rinse, repeat.
13. George Bell. The 1987 AL MVP came to Chicago for the '91 season and only hit 25 home runs and was terrible in key situations...wait...
14. The entire 1991 free agency signing class. Dave Smith, Danny Jackson, and George Bell. For these three players, many people had the Cubs winning the East. Guess what happened? Smith and Bell didn't even make it to the '92 team, and Danny Jackson was traded at the trade deadline...and guess what he did? He helped the Pirates win the NL East. Great man.
15. Derrick May. Hi, I'm Derrick May. I'm 6'4" and weigh 220. I look like I should hit 30 home runs a year, but I never even hit more than 10. This is because I never knew how to use my hips to explode through a pitch. I am unrealized talent. Thank you for your time.
16. Kal Daniels: I could write a whole article on Kal Daniels. Daniels showed up to Cubs camp overweight and disinterested. For reasons unknown, Lefebvre would not give up on this kid. Maybe it was the unrealized potential from his time in Cincinnati. Daniels hit .334 with 26 home runs with the Reds in 1987. He stole 26 bases. The next year he stole 27 and hit .291...he would lead the league with an OBP of .397.
Then, he got fat...and slow. The Cubs picked him off the scrap heap from the Dodgers in 1992. It wasn't just that he was slow, or that he hit .250, or that he couldn't hit a curveball, or that he couldn't field...it was that he didn't even seem to care.
On July 1st, 1992, the Cubs were going for a three game sweep of the New York Mets. With one out, and the game tied, Daniels singled to left field. The next batter, Luis Vizcaino hit a line drive down the right field line. The portly Daniels chugged around third and tried to score...unfortunately, the plump Daniels took such a wide turn around third that he hit one of the sprinkler setters...Daniels started to stumble, bumble, and then...thud...Daniels fell...before home plate. The Mets had executed a perfect relay, and Todd Hundley was there to apply the tag. Only Hundley didn't have to block the plate...because Daniels never got there. Hundley just lightly tapped the cap of Daniels for the out...he was laying five feet from the plate.
The Mets got out of the inning, and went on to win the game. No play exemplified that fat waste of talent more.
17. Candy Maldonado. Here was another guy who had talent early in his career, but became disinterested. Candy drove in 85 runs in back to back years with the Giants in 86 and 87. After April 28th, 1993 Maldonado's average never went back over .200. He'll be remembered for hitting a game tying home run against the Phillies (mainly because he was hot garbage before that at-bat going 2 for 20). He'll also be remembered for never seeing a slider on the outer half that he didn't like.
Maldonado was promptly traded back to Cleveland for a scoop of scum off the coast of Lake Erie.
18. Willie Wilson: You couldn't have been Willie Wilson. I'm not sure why you're even on this list. No way that was you. The 21 triples, catalyst of the 1985 World Champion Kansas City Royals Willie Wilson? No. That can't be you...couldn't be. No way you could've hit below .250 during your two years with the Cubs...or maybe...
19. Turk Wendell: Oh, Turk! You were so much fun! You used to eat black licorice and brush your teeth between innings and make odd shapes on the mound, and not touch the foul line...one problem...those things are funny when you don't suck. But you sucked...so it wasn't funny. Here's some licorice right back at ya.
20. Dave Otto: And I'm supposed to like you because you're from the Chicago area? You aren't good. So, no. I don't like you.
21. Luis Gonzalez: Why did you wait until you got to Arizona before you used drugs? You could've been a champion here!
22. Howard Johnson: Remember when we thought we might be getting the 1989 Howard Johnson, but then we got a cheap impersonation of Ken Reitz? Yeah, that was fun.
23. Manny Alexander: I don't know what you did to deserve A-list treatment from Jim Riggleman. Especially since you were a D- player.
24. Mel Rojas: Rojas was dominating with the Expos, and was expected to fill the void left by Randy Myers' absence. When Rojas struggled mightily early in the season, Rojas blamed it on the cold weather affecting his release. So, when the weather warmed up...he still stunk. Thanks for leaving your A+ game in Montreal, Mel.
25. Rick Aguilera: This was a reliever obviously at the end of his career. Aguilera only got saves when hitters hit rockets into the gloves of Cubs players. Aguilera was a part of one of the worst Cubs bullpens of all-time: the 1999 Cubs. He got seven saves in five months...par for the course.
26 (tie). Andrew Lorraine/Micah Bowie: Did we seriously ever get to a point where these guys got to start at least 10 games? I blocked this moment of Cubs history out of my head.
27. Ruben Quevedo: Try some Slim-Fast, fatty.
28. Todd Hundley: Apparently liked cocaine more than Cubs baseball...which was reflected
While he looked cute and cuddly, Neifi Perez still stunk.
in the 1996 NL MVP's putrid play with the north siders. He hit .199 in two seasons with the Cubs.
29. Kyle Farnsworth: Ability of Nolan Ryan...brains of a Gomer.
30. Delino DeShields: Stole money. Nothing more, nothing less. He was horrible.
31. Neifi Perez: Why, Dusty? Why?????????????
32. Glendon Rusch: Never took care of his body, and then when it was found out that he had a blood clot, players were upset that fans called him 'fat'. Well, guess what? He didn't take care of himself and it almost cost him his life. Don't get upset at us. Maybe if he had a couple less cheeseburgers he would've been better.
33. Kent Mercker: One of the 2004 Cubs, arguably the most unlikeable Cubs team ever, who called up to the booth to complain about Steve Stone's commentating. We should've complained more to him about his pitching.
34. LaTroy Hawkins: Mr. Don't Look at Me, It's Not My Fault. Least likeable Cubs ever? Well, he's in the top 10.
35. The entire 2006 Cubs roster.
36. Cesar Izturis: Great glove, forgot bat.
37. Ronny Cedeno: Lowest IQ of any Cubs shortstop ever...and that's a pretty big statement. Favorite moment? Oversliding second base after an intentional walk. Way to go, big man.
38. Ryan Theriot: His baserunning made even Jacque Jones look decent.
39. All members of the 2010 Cubs: You were the bane of my existence.
40. Rick Dees...for making Top 40s even matter.
27 Jun, 2011
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Source: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/chicago-tough/2011/06/a-chicago-tough-list-to-all-of-the-former-cubs-who-made-my-time-as-a-fan-miserable.html
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