Paula's Story by The Deep Tour Guide, 2011, mixed media on canvas, 12" x 15"
June is named in honor of Juno, the Greek mother goddess, whom mythology has often cast as a jealous and vengeful wife. She had reason to be. Zeus, her husband and king of the gods of Olympus, was a tireless philanderer. But the woman had more going for her than a bad temper.
She was also the queen of Olympus, and she didn't arrive at the lofty role on her husband's coattails. She was wise. She was powerful. She was experienced. She understood deities and mortals alike. She was as perceptive as a psychologist. She was as analytical as a sociologist. And she was an intuitive mother. Yes, she's worthy of a month of observance on our calendar, and she's worthy of observance in this blog.
Soon after its launch, I realized the majority of my readers were women. True, a number of men regularly dive into my deep tour of the urban areas of this fair city, as well as the urban areas of the human mind. And their numbers are recognized and appreciated. But women outnumber them almost 2 to 1. So I'm going with the numbers here, guys, because in this case size matters.
Yes, in spite of Father's Day being this month--which itself is named after a celestial body (moon-th), and the cycle of the moon being almost identical in duration to a woman's menstrual cycle--The Deep Tour Guide is dedicating 4 weeks of posts to my female readership as an expression of my gratitude. Thank you, ladies, for being a vital part of my funky fathomed forays.
And to further honor the fairer sex, I'm handing over the writing reigns to a group of women who have agreed to participate in my month of observance, and who will offer their expertise on subjects that define their lives. Sometimes it'll be in an interview, a question-and-answer format; and other times the format will be much freer and more creative and expressive.
My first co-blogger is Paula, and the depth she'll explore and chart is single motherhood, a subject on which she's something of an expert. She's had 5 years of learning the role with only herself as her teacher and her guide. My questions were posed to her in an email, giving her time and flexibility to reply, since there's no one to watch over her boy but herself. She was prompt in responding, and I found her answers to be thoughtful and succinct, which in itself says something about her skills as a single mother. Her life isn't in disarray. It's calm and orderly. She's confident and in control of her responsibilities.
DTG: When you were a girl did you have traditional expectations of womanhood, or did you always believe in a unique path?
Paula: I think when girls are growing up they have some traditional expectations of womanhood. Society and the media form these expectations early on and from a sociological standpoint members of the family are constrained by the sex roles of a traditional family. For instance, predetermined roles of the male were that of a worker and the female was the homemaker and caregiver. I remember early on that even though family was important to me, I did not want to fit neatly into that predetermined mold.
DTG: When you began to date, and ultimately have sex with boys, did you believe in love and marriage? And if so, did you believe the boys with whom you had sex would one day be your husband and the father of your children? Or did you always have the feeling there was no rush to marriage and motherhood?
Paula: I was a late bloomer in both dating and sexual relations with boys. I did not have my first boyfriend until I was 17 almost 18 and I did not believe that sex equals love and ultimately marriage. I can compartmentalize sex and love. However, I was raised Southern Baptist and it was drilled into my head that sex was meant for the procreation of life between a husband and a wife. I also felt there wasn't a sense of urgency to settle down and start a family.
DTG: What role did your parents' relationship have in your decisions about choosing a mate?
Paula: Whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not, my parents' relationship played a big part in choosing a mate. I always wanted to find the opposite of their relationship because I remember growing up in a house full of positive and negative emotions. I remember a lot of screaming, anger, and frustration from both my parents. Don't get me wrong my parents had their happy times too, and they were able to show love and affection toward each other and all three of us growing up. However, the relationship I had with my son's father would emulate my parent's relationship, which consisted of both pleasant and unpleasant times.
DTG: You're Amer-Asian. You're one-half American (European descent) and one-half Asian (Korean). How did your ethnicity affect your perception of domestic life, since Asian women are by and large subjugated by their men? Traditionally the family has been the most important unit of society, and by and large this is still true.
Paula: As you stated, Asian women are considered docile, submissive, and compliant. Family plays a vital role in the lives of children and parents. I am not an exception to that rule because my family has a significant role in my life. Moreover, because of my ethnicity I never wanted to be subjugated by men, which began me on my unique path of opposing the perception of Asian women.
DTG: When did you have your first notion of: Fuck this shit! I'm going to live my life how I want to!
Paula: I am fiercely independent, self-reliant, and unfettered by choice. I decided early that I am capable of doing whatever I want if I put forth the effort. I march to the beat of my own drum and it makes me happy knowing that I can say fuck this shit and move on.
DTG: Were your pregnancies planned?
Paula: No, my pregnancy was not planned but I welcomed the thought of motherhood, which was surprising because I never viewed myself as a giver of life.
DTG: Would you have preferred to have a husband help you raise your sons? Or are you confident in your ability to go it alone, and a man would only interfere?
Paula: No, I knew the moment I decided to become a mother I would raise my child by myself with little to no help from the father. In fact, I would not have it any other way.
DTG: How do you respond to those who believe you are committing a grave social error by raising your sons by yourselves?
Paula: Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I do not live my life trying to please the masses. If I lived my life wondering how about people felt about me then I would be miserable and pessimistic. Life is too short to worry about trivial things such as that and I prefer to live and let live.
DTG: When your sons are older and approaching the age when a boy becomes a young man and they face questions about how to be a man, how will respond? Will you do your best to act as a substitute father? Or will you direct him to a trusted male relative or friend for guidance?
Paula: This quandary has long been debated and explored and all I can say is single moms can raise physically and emotionally normal healthy men. Single mom and son families are burgeoning every day and this so-called myth is breaking down. There are many single moms who have raised son and they have turned out to be successful, happy, well-rounded men and I do not view myself as any different. I do not believe nor will I ever allow my son to take on the responsibility of my rescuer or liberator. Of course, I will do my best to act as a substitute father and fulfill my duties as both mother as father. I am lucky that Gabriel has positive male role models in his life and Gabe always can ask his father and both grandfathers about manhood. I always will encourage a positive male-female relationship and point out the positive qualities of both sexes. I believe that enrolling boys into group activities gives them a sense of belonging and builds bonds that will linger into adulthood.
DTG: If your son were to get a young woman pregnant and your son wanted to marry the young woman and raise the child, but the young woman didn't want to marry, didn't even want your son around, because she wanted to raise the child herself, whose side would you take and why?
Paula: I would respect the young woman's decision to raise the child herself; however, I would encourage the young woman to allow us to see and get to know the baby. If worse came to worse I would petition the courts to allow us visitation with the child. Even though I choose to raise my son by myself, I have never denied Gabe's father or his family time with Gabriel. In fact, I am very close to Gabriel's father's side of the family and I consider that a blessing for me and Gabriel.
DTG: Are you happy? If so, why? If not, why?
Paula: Yes, I am happy and I love my life, my son, my family, and my "feast of friends." I am down-to-earth, no-nonsense, content, realistic, and blunt. If you do not like me than so be it because life will go on and so will I.
DTG: Would you marry if you found a compatible man? Or are you quite content by yourself?
Paula: If I found a compatible man, perhaps I would marry again. I am at ease with being alone and have never needed someone else to complete me, make me whole, or have my happiness depend on another individual. My viewpoint may not agree with everyone, which is perfectly fine with me. I believe in love and I believe in happiness and I applaud people who can find their "soul mate" because why take away someone's happiness when you can embrace it.
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Source: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/travel-blog-of-a-deep-tour-guide/2011/06/juno-knows---single-motherhood.html
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